Solomon And Sheba (1959) Movie Review & Film summary, Cast

Lo! and there was much boredom in the house of Heath, for few films of worthiness were to be seen on Cable Television. Then, as though by divine commandment, they didst screen this epic from 1959, that did feature mucheth of Yul Brynner’s wig, Gina Lollabrigida’s bosom, and George Sander’s mighty hamola. As did the Israelites battle the Egyptians for their kingdom of sand, so didst brothers Adonijah, enacted by George, and Solly, by Yul, did much argue whenst their father David, embodied by Finlay Currie and to add yet another accent, annointed Solly as king of the Tribes of Israel. His elder brother Adonijah was thus passed over, and his poopiness was irrepressible! Yet Solly, who prayed for wisdom from Jehovah, received it thus, and he governs long and wisely, and the kibbutzes multiply! and the Great Temple is built as if by magic – tis truly a wonder of heaven this thing called montage – and yet like all men is still dumbeth enough to fall in love for a Sheban slut who speaketh in fruity Italian accent and changeth costumes every ten minutes. Hark! for she is plotting to destroy the noble Solly, to disgrace him before his people and God.

And thus! she stages her pagan ritual and dances in her bra, and mucheth lewdness nearly so devilish as a Britney Spears video doth take place, and the dancing that whirls in ecstatic heights appeareth to have been choreographed by the San Fernando community dance theater; much abandon doth take place; near-naked men do sweat, women do fling themselves in their arms, and do not doubt, it’s all for a moral lesson! Solly says Golly! and goes to romp in the garden of earthly delights. But yea! Abishag, who art played by Pier Angeli’s twin sister, prays for her love Solly, asking for his sins to fall upon her, which causeth the mightily ticked-off God of Abraham to destroy the pagan idol and the transgressor’s own temple, with the love-struck sucker Abishag dying in its ruins. Solly sings “Losing My Religion”. Even more disappointing is the discovery the insurance company will not payeth out for the Temple damage, as its policy doth not cover Acts of God. The Israelites do turneth away from Solly, for the Prophet Nathan doth much shout and wave his hands dramatically; “Thou shalt be treated worse than Michael Jackson for thine godlessness!” is his prophecy, and so it is.

And lo, the evil Adonijah returneth with the Host of Egypt to conquer his kingdom. The Israelites march to defend their nation, but are defeated, so thus Sheba prays to their God for Solly’s deliverance. And lo! Solly is inspired to shine their shields and blind their enemies with the sun so as to fool them to fall like many model chariots and puppet soldiers into a gorge of indeterminate depth. Solly must hurry home, for his brother usurpeth the throne, and commandeth Sheba’s death by stoning! Yea, Solly doth return in the nicketh of time, and doth slay Adonijah in combat, and Sheba musteth returneth to her native land to spread the Word of God. Much rejoicing was known throughout the land of Israel, so much that Solly declare a working holiday with a three-for-one big-ass beer special. Lo, this wert directed by the old monarch of cinema, King Vidor, and doth sporteth some of his sturdy realism in look of costume and set, but lo, performances are devilish. Seers says Lollobrigida was condemned to the hell of co-hosting a game-show for the sorrow that is her acting herein.