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nAsk my friends and they’ll tell ya, I was pumped as hell fornthis new Robocop movie! Why? Because I love the character, ever since I was ankid I loved all things Robocop. So of course I gave this reboot the benefit ofnthe doubt. But now that it’s out on video I can finally give it a proper watch,nno expectations, no anticipation, I just watched the movie for what it is. WhatnI wanted to do was pinpoint the exact reasons why it just wasn’t feeling right;ncause it never did. Feel right I mean. Boy is this one a letdown, and in sonmany ways! I still love the original better. So here I leave you guys with thenreasons why the new Robocop sucked so badly.
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nNo Urban Decay
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nIn Veerhoven’s Robocop, Detroit was a city in ruins, a dark,ndecaying city in which crime had taken over; in fact, this is the main reasonnwhy Robocop was created, to bring crime rates down so OCP could build theirnprecious Delta City. On the new film, crime isn’t even an issue. The city ofnDetroit looks clean and wholesome, a far cry from the almost post-apocalypticnfeel that Veerhoven brought to the original film. Where’s the criminals?nWhere’s the terror on the streets?
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nRobocop Isn’t Special Anymore
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nOne of the things that made Robocop special was that in thenfirst film he was a one of a kind experiment. He was the first cyborg, thenfirst mix of man and robot, the first freaking android. It’s what made him sondamn unique and special when he walked down the streets. Sadly on the new filmnhe is just another robot amongst an army of robots that OCP has built. You seenon this new film OCP uses their robots for military purposes, so robots arenactually becoming common place in this new film; a fact that strips Robocop ofnhis uniqueness.
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nNo Memorable Villains
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nWhere’s Dick Jones or Clarence Boddicker? I mean, wow, onnthe first film it seems everyone that was behind creating Robocop was a majornvillain, even Robocop’s creator only saw Robocop as a means to climb thencorporate ladder, as a product, nothing else. The villains in the originalnRobocop were these big bombastic, selfish villains, the kind that are loud, theatricalnand insane…not so on this new film where we don’t even get a decent villain. Younknow how in the original Robocop villains just went crazy blowing shit up withntheir super guns? Just because? There’s no such insanity on this new movie, MichaelnKeaton doesn’t exactly exude evil from his pores does he? Every time I see him,nI just see Beetlejuice. This gets me to thinking: where have all the memorablenmovie villains gone?
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nNot a Drop of Blood or Graphic Violence
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nSo shoot me, I enjoy over the top violence in films. I knownit’s not real, which is exactly what makes it fun to watch! I mean, how about thatnscene where they pour a vat of chemicals over a villain’s entire body?! What ansight! And how’s about when officer Murphy’s completely over the top deathnsequence in which they blow up his hand and shoot his brains out? Do you thinknRobocop shoots bad guys in their genitals on this new film? Hell no! On thisnnew one there isn’t even a hint of that. This new one is the kind of movienwhere lots of bullets fly, but not an ounce of blood is spilled. Why are actionnfilms being softened up like this? Making this new Robocop film PG-13 was a badnmove creeps! It sucks balls! I want the over the top violence; it was fun!
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nRobocop’s Black Suit Does Not Look Robotic
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nOn the original film, Robocop has an all metallic look; thisnhelped him look more robotic. With the black suit from the new film, he looksnlike a man in a suit; he does not look like a robot. Apparently the filmmakersnrealized that the black suit didn’t really work because in the last moments ofnthe new film they turn him back to metallic look? So it’s like they realizednthey made a huge mistake going with the black, but it was too late, they’dnalready made the movie, so they turned him back to the metallic look in thenlast frames. Ugh, black Robocop sucks. Give us the original design again. Itnwas way better.
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nThe Actor Who Plays Robocop Was A Bad Choice
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nI don’t have anything against the actor, but Joel Kinnaman looks goofy as Robocop. He has a goofy looking face; they needed an actor thatndidn’t look funny in Robo gear. I think it’s something about his roundnclownish nose or something, but I just couldn’t take the actor seriously. Angoofy looking Robocop was not a smart move for this revamping of the character.n
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nI Miss Stop Motion Animation
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nTrue, stop motion animation always looked kind of fake inncertain movies, but I’m of the opinion that for the Robocop movies, stop motionnanimation actually worked very well. I mean, we’re talking about robots, theyndon’t have to look life like, they simply have to look robotic and in mynopinion robotic movements can be achieved well through stop motion animation. I miss stuff like that whole ending sequencenin Robocop 2 where the two robots are destroying the city as they fight. Let’snface it, the stop motion animation work done in Robocop 2 by Phil Tippet andncrew is awesome to behold. You can bet your ass I didn’t enjoy the CGI fest innthe last minutes of the new Robocop. It’s been happening to me more and morenoften with CGI filled movies, I grow detached because nothing feels real. Sigh.
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nWhere’s the Freaking Satire?
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nThe original Robocop wasn’t a comedy, but it had comedicnelements to it. It had satire; it was an exaggeration of real life. This wasnsomething that was sorely missing from the new Robocop. It was lifeless andnboring, all the characters, all the situations, everything was downplayed to annullifying, boring film. That satirical tone from the original film was whatnmade it so special. Where were the fake commercials and television shows? Thatncommercial for a board game called ‘Nuke ‘Em’ where you’re supposed to nukenyour opponent with nuclear weapons? Hilarious! Where was the “I’d buy that forna dollar” guy? There was nothing similar to any of that in the new film, and itnshows. What we were left with was this serious and boring film that only madenme miss the sarcastic, mordant tone of the original.
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nThey Eliminated Robocop’s Relationship with Lewis
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nNow this is one of the suckiest things about the new film, theynrelegated Robocop’s relationship with Lewis to zero. I loved how in thenoriginal, Robocop had a lady for a partner, I loved that it was Lewis, I lovednthat she was this tough chick that could kick as much ass as Robocop. She knew Murphy, shenwas closest to him before he died. Why the hell change Lewis into a man and onntop of everything, Lewis isn’t even part of the film, he’s like a totally forgettablensecond tier character in the background somewhere. Ugh; bad idea.
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nRobocop the Family Man
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nThe first film creates Robocop and quickly puts him on thenstreets to do what we want to see him do, fight crime, kick ass. I mean, at thenend of the day Robocop is all about cleaning up the streets and fighting crime.nUnfortunately this new movie focuses more on Robocop trying to be a family man,nall this was quickly brushed upon in the original film to get to the goodnstuff, Robo vs. the bad guys. Sure Robocop misses his family in the first film,neven going as far as returning to his old family home only to discover an emptynhouse for sale, but he quickly realizes he can’t be a family man anymore. It’snwho he used to be, not who he is now. On this new one for some reason he thinksnhe can still be a father to his kid? Or a husband to his wife? How exactly isnthis supposed to work? Those scenes with Robocop visiting his son and wife justnfeel all wrong. How can the wife expect Murphy to still be a father and anhusband? He’s a freaking cyborg lady! Wake up! Point is, we want to see Robocopnfighting bad guys, not trying to go back to family life that he can obviouslynno longer be a part of.
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nIt’s PG-13
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nFinally, the real reason why I just don’t like this newnRobocop; its PG-13 and as a result toned down for mass consumption. This means,nno profanity, no drugs, no nudity. I mean, how awesome is that scene in thenoriginal Robocop in which Robocop’s creator (played by Miguel Ferrer) snortsncocaine from the breast of not one, but two prostitutes!? And they made anSaturday morning cartoon out of this movie!? Only in the 80’s! And only in then80’s would you see the good guy slashing the bad guys throat, and then havingnsaid bad guys blood fall all over Robocop’s face! From inception, Robocop was a sci-fi actioneer for adults, why change what made it successful? Of course people will be dissapointed when they find out that what made the original cool is no longer there. Only in the 80’s could younsee Robocop shoot a rapist in the nut sack and then say the classic one liner:n“You’re move…creep!” Speaking of which, another reason I don’t like this newnRobocop: NO ONE LINERS! I want the 80’s back that’s all there is to it.